It as been awhile since I have wrote anything. My family is doing great and Jake and I are doing wonderful. I have found out that I must have back surgery In the middle of February to remove a bone fragment. I am scared and it also means we have to stop trying for a baby for a little while. I am ok with it and so is Jake we want me to be healthy and not hurting during the next baby. I also have gotten rid if some much needed drama and I feel like weight has been lifted off not only me but my family. I was just making everything and everyone sluggish and tired. Now we have been having lots of energy and I love it!!! We also found out that we are going to England but Jake's orders are being stoped due to my back surgery.

Marriage Counseling!!! (Actually Going)

Well today my husband and I went to marriage counseling for the first time today and I didn't really like it. Like I said before I am a very private person. Plus the lady talked way to much. I don't know if my husband got anything out of it cause I know I didn't. She was telling us the same thing that our counselor from family expectations told us. I don't know why we are going I really don't want to keep going when we have family expectations. I don't know why my husband can't just tell me at home what he wants. I wish some days that he'd just talk about what is bothering him. Not just about whats wrong at work or home but about Brooklyne too. I know a lot is on his mind and I want him to tell me. If he keeps everything bottled up he'll lose his mind. I also wish he would grieve about our daughter. I don't think that marriage counseling is going to help us. I think I better pray about this some more. I also think I need to talk to my husband about this some more as well. For those who think they need it I'd say go for it and do it but if your not sure pray about it and talk it over with your spouse or other half. NEVER do it if you don't like it OR feel uncomfortable and NEVER force someone to go and ALWAYS tell someone your both going.

A New Crib?!

Ok the funniest thing happened to us last night my aunt called us and asked us if we needed a crib. I was like what! My cousin bought a crib cause she is pregnant but some one is giving her a crib and she wanted to know if we wanted it cause we are going to try for another baby soon. I told her that we would cause we would need one and it comes with a matress to so we don't have to go and buy one. After I got off the phone I was like ok that was a sgin from God and a good sgin at that. It is so wonderful God is blessing us with things for our future children. I pray now all that happens is we are pregnant before September. I also am praying really hard for a girl sometimes I pray for more than one baby at a time. Funny thing is I've always wondered if I could handle two babies at once plus a toddler. I guess we will see if it happens God only gives you as much as you can handle.

I don't know

This is my first "blog". I never do facebook or any of that stuff (that's all Brenda). Just got out of the hospital today. Gonna go back to work tomorrow, and start some marital counseling next week. Just trying to figure out how to push foward with my life and my family. The counselor tells me I have new coping skills that I didn't have before, hopefully I'll remember them and use them. Moving foward is the idea, not back.

Making A Memory Book!!

When I had Brooklyne we took a lot of pictures to remember what she looked like. I told my husband the day before I was released from the hospital I wanted to make a memory book of our daughter. He thought it was great idea we got all the pictures developed and I went to town. It took me about a week and a half to finish twelve pages. The funny thing is I'm not finished with it not only does my husband have a few more things he wants me to add. I have some things that still need to go in the book as well. Sometimes I'll see a picture of a Butterfly and be like hey that needs to go in to Brooklyne's book. We are starting to collect things with Butterfly's on them I have fell in love with one of GOD's coolest creations ever. Butterfly's for me now give a whole new meaning on life. It goes from a tiny caterpillar to it's ca-coon and then to a beautiful Butterfly what could be cooler than that. Baby's are kinda the same way they start out in your womb then they are born they grow into adults and fly away to live there own life where ever it may be.

Marriage Counseling!!

My husband and I have been talking about going to marriage counseling lately for what has happened with Brooklyne. Now I don't know very many people who are phobic about shrinks or counselor's but I am one of those people. I really don't like people to know what is going on in my life. I like to keep people out of my personal business as much as possible. I really don't know how to deal with this one I guess I'm along for the ride. Jake wants me to go to help him get through this. So I am going to go and not say a word during the sessions. I have vowed to say as little as possible. I know he will want me to talk but I really don't want to. I am so tired of hearing that people are sorry for what has happened to us. Every time I hear it I want to slap someone. I also hate people who say I know what your going through and they tell you that they had a miscarriage. Every time I hear that I think to my self you have no clue what it's like to lose a full term baby. Even people close to me say they know what I'm going through. I am thinking people shut up cause no you don't. I know only one person that lost a baby at birth and I've known her for sixteen years I thank GOD for Qumi every day. I can call her when I have been having a ruff day with what happens and she just lets me let it all out. I also know she wishes she could come and be with me and let me cry on her shoulder and hug me to death. She also try's to give me good advice when its needed. I am glad GOD gave me a wonderful husband and great friends. Some days I wish we never lost Brooklyne so neither one of us was going through this pain. I remember a verse in the Bible I like to live by every day Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.". It helps but the person I really need is my husband to tell me how he feels so we can move forward. I hope this counseling helps.

Another Baby!

My husband and I talked in the hospital about having another baby. We decided that we didn't want to wait for a full year to try again. We had decided that we would be pregnant by September of this year. At my check up at my OBGYN's for my postpartum check up we asked when we could try again. My husband was in fear of hearing that we would have to wait a year to try again. To his surprise she told us we could start having a baby after i had two regular menstrual cycles. I looked at her and told her we would see her in September. She said that that works for her. I love my OBGYN she is so great! I have one thing I need to say if you lose a full term baby don't wait for a year to try again and always stay with your husband never give up on a marriage cause of a baby's death. Cause what happened to that one baby will more than likely never happen again. Never give up GOD is always with you and on your side. He never gives you more than you can handle. I know that one day I will see my little Brooklyne again I have a baby in heaven waiting for me and she knows I still have things to do here on earth. She also knows that I will have more siblings for her and that they will need me in the years to come. The best thing is she knows them before we do she has already met them. She knows who comes next. I just hope it's another little girl if it's a boy then that's cool to it's all up to GOD.